I’m learning that as I get older, I must prepare myself emotionally for the physical breakdowns I will encounter. There was a time when I was younger and at the top of my game, where I could go from sunup to sundown and still have energy to burn. I’m not sure when I started to break and malfunction. It seems like it happened overnight, but I know that it was a slow process.
At times, I have felt like everything was amazing and normal. Well, as normal as a life can be when you have such a dysfunctional childhood. At other times I have felt tired and defeated. I have spent so much time in therapy trying to expose all of the demons that have hidden themselves in the nooks and crannies of my brain. I have worked so close with my doctor and therapist to unravel the childhood knots that are the core of who I am. I keep asking when I will feel the normalcy that others have as their emotions.
Now, with my body breaking down more often than a 1974 Ford Pinto, I ask the doctor... “Will I ever feel normal? Will I ever have days and months strung together without anxiety or panic attacks?”
I wonder if I will ever tear down The Wall? The Wall, wow! So many times in the past listening to Pink Floyd would spell trouble for my current emotional status. Recently though, when I listen to The Wall, I feel more determined and inspired. Determined to defeat the demons that reside in my memories.
The wall on the other hand is so thick and strong that I question how to tear it down. Will I be like Pink, who so forcefully shouted “tear down the wall,” only to have someone betray me, which would encourage me to “put another brick in the wall”? How do I begin to tear it down, when it is the thing that has safe guarded me all of these years?
Never mind the fact that it has destroyed potential friendships. Never mind the fact that others often look at me with feelings of estrangement. How could they see anything else when all I have exposed is a timid, frightened child, trying to hide behind the comfort of a safe imaginary, loving leg?
Will I ever feel a normal day in my life despite my efforts to dig through the destruction that makes up who I am?
It is hard to put on a fake smile and pretend to not be offended by someone who has hurt me; Hence, putting another brick in the wall. It is hard to not revert back to the instincts of survival needed with my mom. Her goal was to go for the jugular. My goal was to put up my dukes and prepare for a long and hard fought battle.
When people ask my husband Tom, why I’m so distant and often guarded (sometimes viewed as unfriendly) he can only try to explain this vicious cycle I have with certain people. What most people don’t realize is, they only think they know me. They do not realize the real me is hidden beneath layers of masks and walls. If they knew me at all, they would understand when I’m “unpleasant” and distant, I’m in survival mode. I’ve emotionally transformed back into those years of my fight or flight feelings.
There are times when I decide that certain relationships just cannot work. The expectations that some people place on me can never be met. Why? I refuse to allow anyone to define me anymore. I will not try to be the person they think I should be. I want to be myself, whether they like “me” or not.
When someone wants you to be someone other than who you are, you can only play that part for so long, and then the real you returns. Ultimately, what I’ve learned is that even when you are playing the role they have defined for you, they still find issues with you that you are unaware of. It’s a lose-lose situation. At that point, I take my bow and exit stage left. There are no standing ovations. There are no flowers thrust upon the stage for me. The reviews aren’t complimentary, but then again, I didn’t expect them to be.
They say you should not judge those until you have walked a mile in their shoes. This, I know is one of the hardest rules to follow. I am guilty of this as much as the next guy. However, so many have told me the past is the past; Move forward and don’t dwell on the bad. I do not believe in staying stuck in the past or reliving it. However, I do not feel that I can fully move forward until I confront the demons that have me tied to the cross I bare. The forgiveness that I so desperately desire, is my own. The guilt I need to shed is also my own. I am one of the most forgiving people I have ever met, but I have yet to find the key that will allow me to forgive myself. I have yet to discover the key that unlocks the memories that plague me, even in my dreams and nightmares.
Before I move completely forward, I must grab my torment, and toss it to the fiery hell in which it belongs. I do not need to talk about or relive my past, I only need to put it where it belongs. I understand it is difficult for those people who have such wonderful childhood memories, to connect with the mission I’m on. True respect is not necessary to understand, but to keep an open mind.
It would be impossible for me to understand the path others have walked as it was not mine. It would, however, be possible for me to bite the forked tongue of malicious words and unjust judgements. I try to live by the motto that if I wouldn’t say something to someone’s face, I would not say it behind their backs. Now, like everyone else... I fall short at times. I try to open my heart to prayers and love. That is what I would hope other’s could do for me as well. Is it also possible for us to realize that we all have issues, and maybe... just maybe, others are being more loving, forgiving, patient and understanding with us than we realize?
In the end, I believe the path to any healthy relationship begins with an open mind, honesty, and communication.
As for my physical malfunctions... well, like the ’74 Pinto, I’ll keep going to the “mechanic,” following his orders, continue routine “tune-ups” and have the tow truck ready for the serious breakdowns. I’m pretty sure I’ve got another 100,000 miles or so in the ole girl.
I really enjoy reading your blog and always manage to get something out of it. I never felt a wall that you had up when I was around you. It seemed like you were yourself and everyday I pretty much knew what kind of mood you would be in and would talk or not talk based on that. I always feel bad when you talk about your childhood I have fond memories of mine and well the bad stuff was thrown out long ago. I was thinking about the "walls" you mention as a way to adapt or survive, I find that walls just get in the way I am more comfortable to just let it all out. Communication is extremely important to me in all my relationships even though other family members are not completely on the same bandwagon as me. It has taken me years to tell certain people exactly what I think and if something really bothers me (my Mom) but it has made things better and no buildup of emotions for a volcano to explode. I am pretty much straight forward with people and if they have a problem with that well they are the ones that miss out. I will be the first person in line to help anyone that needs it and supportive in any situation. Now on the physical breakdowns, feeling the same way. We have a big move coming up and decided that the Army can move us just too hard on me even though we would make money doing it ourself. I depend more and more on Carl which is hard being so dependent for many years although I believe he likes it!
ReplyDeleteWhen I was writing this, I was worried that my friends would take the wall thing in a bad way. I think you, Lisa, Tom, Jannel etc... (those that are my forever REAL friends) know me better than anyone. I do still keep a piece of myself hidden away even from you all. I'm working so hard to tear down the wall. I think I just got a really late start in life on doing that. I also think that maybe I was less aware of who I was back in those days. Therefore, didn't act like there was a big wall since I was so clueless. I want so much to be more like you and my friend Jannel. You two are very blunt and I think that is a good thing. Nothing fake about either of you.
ReplyDeleteI think it is kind of funny how you said that you determined whether to talk to me or not based on my body language and that it really wasn't a big deal. I'm assuming on the "big deal" part. Since we are still soul sisters and BFF's, I think that is a safe assumption. You and I were both like that with each other. I always thought that if someone was your real friend, you could have those moods and still be friends. This journey I'm on is because Buck and I divorced for a reason. It wasn't all his fault, you know? So, I felt that if I didn't want history to repeat itself and that I better figure out where my errors were. I wanted to be real, and the person that wasn't afraid to look in the mirror and see the person staring back. I think some of my walls are designated for certain people only and that some have been built BECAUSE of certain people in my life. Ultimately, I learned that people like my mom kept showing up in my life and I didn't know why. Then several people told me that I had not learned the lesson yet. This is sort of like "that one thing" from City Slickers. When I asked them what that lesson was, they told me that was what I had to figure out for myself. Thanks a lot! LOL... they were right. For me, that lesson was that I needed to kick those people out of my life. Those people were toxic and venomous. Those people were never going to accept me for who I was, but make me feel bad for not being someone else. I guess there are a million reasons why I began this journey. The number one reason was because I wanted to have a great relationship with my husband, kids, and friends because I love them so much more than anything else.
Physically, I keep up the fight and as more things break, I get scared. But I get back on that horse and fight. I agree that I hate to be dependent on others. I was always so independent. I have always said that I'm ready to go onto the next place when I can no longer drive or live alone. I hope the good Lord will take me so I can be at peace. Donna, I know you know me better than almost anyone because we have that weird dream connection. I don't have that with anyone else. Never met anyone before that could share my dreams with me and just know when things were wrong or right. Lisa and Tom know me just as well since I live with one and have lived with the other. I'm sure it wasn't always easy to be my sister, but she has stuck by my side through thick and thin. Tom, I give him kudos since he still puts up with my moods. He, like you, just knows when it is one of those days I need to be alone. He understands because, he has them too. I'm very lucky to have the special people in my life that I do.
This journey is for all of you that I love so much!
I am really going to have to figure out how to set this up so it shows my name! Anyway, this is Jannel and I completely agree with and understand what you mean on so many levels! It is so much easier to build the wall than to tear it down. But I do not think that it is taking you "longer" than some of us who have been in similar situations. We are all so different, and have different triggers that there could never be a set pace. There are some things that you mentioned that I may have already "figured out" so to speak, but I am not there either. I, like you, am also not completely comfortable with the face that looks back at me from the mirror. But I do believe that all of our paths cross for a reason. That reason may be to make us stronger, or it could be one of those "seasonal" relationships that are meant to teach but not last. Not all relationships are good, but they definitely teach us something either way. I feel that MY driving factor for pushing myself out from behind the mask was that I was always surrounded by so much hate and ignorance that I finally just said "screw you all! This is me, take it or leave it!" Now, as you know, I am still FAR from perfect but just as you are- I am trying. I do know that having you in my life has opened my eyes to soooo many things about myself that I never realized. You are truely a remarkable, beautiful, smart and caring woman and your presence has added just one more piece to the jig-saw puzzle of life for me!
ReplyDeleteJannel you make an interesting comment about being being perfect. I can usually find good in all people and if they have a problem with me than it is their problem not mine. It amazes me how society expects perfection but who makes the rules on what is considered "perfect" sounds way to tiring. I agree with you on take me as I am or screw you! I have no time or energy to deal with individuals who do not like me for one reason or another. Relationships come and go over the years with a few friends that last forever. I can only name 3 people other than family, who I feel if I called them and needed help they would do whatever they could to help. Linda is one of those friends who I met about 14 yrs ago and if I called her with an emergency she would be the first in line to help. Same with me I would bend over backwards for her!
ReplyDeleteJannel, you bring up so many great points. I never really thought of some friends being "seasonal," but I think you are right that there are many of those. I do not see you as a seasonal friend. I believe my true and real forever friends (excluding my husband since he is that and more) are you, Lisa, Donna, and Cherri. I love you all so much and cannot imagine life without you. Jannel, you Donna and Cherri I'll have to kidnap when we leave for the east coast. I wish...! Thank you Jannel for seeing the beauty in me. We were brought together because our pasts were so similar. You too are an amazing and wonderful lady. You would love Donna by the way.
ReplyDeleteDonna, you also bring up a great point that those who put restraints on us and expect us to be a certain way are following whose rules? When did we as a society decide that people were supposed to act in a particular fashion? The take me the way I am or screw you, is the part that I really wish I had the same courage to possess. Tom disagrees since he, like myself is very forgiving. But I find myself in the same harmful and venomous relationships that I have in the past.
By the way, I would die for any of you... I am so incredibly lucky to have such wonderful friends.