Monday, July 9, 2012
Take My Hand
Many people ask me why I blog. I’ve even received replies in my previous blogs, insinuating and suggesting that I waste my time on writing. Everyone clearly, is entitled to their own opinion. However, blogging for me has been a God send. I decided that this would make a great topic for this week, since I am asked so frequently about it.
Initially, I began writing due to my pure passion for it. I discovered that I could release my thoughts and emotions through the power and beauty of words. I came to realize that I was empowering myself by getting my emotions out of my head and onto paper.
Many times, when others would read my work, they would comment that it was very touching, passionate, and something they could relate to. They saw my pure, raw, and genuine emotions playing out right in front of their eyes. Many spoke privately to me about my stories, as they too had traumatic childhoods and could relate. Others, felt that writing was my true calling. Their words of encouragement fueled my desire to continue to write.
My doctor and therapist had been telling me for years that I needed to write. Get the thoughts, feelings, and demons out of my head and put them in a journal. I tried on several occasions to keep a personal journal. I never was able to keep it going though. I didn’t feel like I had accomplished anything.
The idea to blog was one that was made by both my husband Tom, and myself. Again, Tom would read my poems and stories and tell me that I had a talent to write. A talent he felt that I could share with others. Especially since my main goal in life was to help others who were struggling with their past or current childhoods.
Over the years, I found that both young and old would tell me things that they had not been able to share with others, for one reason or another. My motto became: “saving the world one person at a time.” Obviously not a realistic expectation, but I have learned that I need to set my goals high if I want to be satisfied with my accomplishments. It became very important to me to be there for those that were in abusive situations. No one ever seemed to care enough to get involved when I was living hell in my childhood. How could I turn a blind eye to others?
The more I thought about it, the more blogging seemed to make sense. Maybe I could reach one person out there, and let them know they were not alone. They did not have to live their personal hell alone. They could survive and change history by learning that history does not need to be repeated. I wanted them to be able to see the tremendous love I have for my kids, husband, and friends, and know that I once stood in their shoes... feeling the exact same way they did. I wanted to give people hope.
I have found that some of my posts are self serving. But then again, what in life isn’t? I was able to get both my love and my sorrows out on paper. I was able to safely discuss something that had really hurt my feelings, or made me add a brick to the wall by expressing myself. Despite the fact that some of the people I speak of are no longer in my life, I am still able to express how the unhealthy relationship with them, made me more unwilling to share my heart with others. I desperately wanted people to see that it is okay to remove people from your life, when those people only leave you with a broken heart and a stream of tears.
Sometimes my blogs are self serving in the respect that I think I have found a wonderful thing in my life, such as Teddy... Or a way in which I have approached something (such as my relationship with my kids) that I believe has been very successful. I do enjoy sharing my successes with others with the hope that maybe I can help them with a question they are struggling with at that time.
By all means, I would never say I have all the answers. I definitely do NOT! I don’t even think I have most of the answers. But I have a few great ideas that have worked for me, and that is what I hope to share.
Many may not know this, but I also learn from my blogs. Not only do I pour a tremendous amount of time and research into my blogs, but sometimes I look them over later and realize that one of my readers enlightened me. Not to mention the fact that both my son Ryan, and husband Tom, always proof read my work. They often share with me their points of view on the topic. Sometimes they tell me I am being pompous, self-righteous, or arrogant. I so very much appreciate that they are honest with me. I’m never angry or offended. I’m grateful that they love me enough to tell me, so that I rewrite what I meant; Or maybe even rethink my position entirely.
There are times when they tell me I am being passive aggressive. They usually do that when they assume my comments are regarding someone in my life at this moment. Sometimes, they too, forget that I write a lot about my past and my childhood. Am I being passive aggressive? Yes. However, I am not being passive aggressive towards the person they are thinking. At other times, I am being passive aggressive because I feel that it is the only way that I can get my point across to someone who hasn’t listened to my point or me, over the years. I guess it is like the pressure cooker thing. The steam builds and builds, and I finally have to get it out somehow. Since talking with the person didn’t work... I use the nonproductive, passive aggressive approach. Does it work? No, those same people still feel the same way they did before, but (going back to the self serving) it does help me get it off my chest.
There seems to be this illusion that since I am blogging, I should be perfect... or politically correct... or above everyone else. “This is not a politically correct site as these are my opinions and perspectives of the world we live in today.” It says this on the home page of my blog. I am so sick of being politically correct that I could just throw up. I am sorry for those of you who do not agree with me, but I feel this is one major flaw in this country and one reason for it’s downfall.
Please do not put unobtainable expectations on me that are different than anyone else out there that writes opinions for a living. I write what is in my heart and I do not anticipate that ever changing.
Another reason that I wrote initially was to explain myself to the people in my life that are often miffed by my actions. Well, the one thing that came out of that, was the people I was trying to explain myself to, seemed to just have more criticisms of me; As many of you have been able to see through the comments that have been left for me. That made me look really hard at the situation as a whole. As unpopular as I expect this to be... and for that I will apologize ahead of time... I realized that there were people who would never see the real me. Maybe I am completely unable to show them the real me. Maybe they are completely unable to see the real me. Maybe they see what they want to see. Maybe they have never accepted me, and my blogging about my feelings, only made matters worse.
In a perfect world, we’d all think the same way and be best friends with everyone. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t magnify a person’s bad qualities. The world isn’t perfect though. So, I guess the best I can offer, is to tell the people that do not approve of me that it is okay. I really am okay with that! I wish that others could be okay with that too. Humans were made with emotions for a reason. That reason sometimes is to say: sometimes we hurt people more when we try to force a relationship, than just accept that there shouldn’t be one.
It’s amazing how, even as I write this, I see that I have learned, as Rush put it best in their song, “All the worlds a stage, and we are merely players.” I think it is time for the curtain call for some of us.
Another reason writing became important is because being a stay at home mom, I desperately needed to use and exercise my brain. I needed to stay sharp. I needed “a job”. I know that raising children and taking care of a family, (I think the ‘politically correct’ term is Domestic Engineer) is a lot of work. However, I needed more for myself. I suppose some would see that as selfish, but I give so much to my family everyday, that I needed to do something for me. Why not combine my passion for writing with my desires to help others and exercise my brain? I never thought it would have such positive and negative effects on so many people.
For the record, I have said this previously, but I never want to hurt anyone on purpose. I only want to be honest and ask others to be honest with themselves and me.
Lastly, when I began to see that I had readers from Russia, Germany, China, Latvia, Ukraine, United Kingdom, India, Canada, Ireland, Malaysia, the Philippines, Brazil, Suriname, Croatia, United Arab Emirates, Australia, and of course the United States, (I hope I didn’t miss anyone), the thought that people in other parts of the world were able to read my story really made me realize that I was reaching people. I may even be reaching the people who need to know they are not alone... the most!
I am grateful for every single reader. I hope to always stay true to my journey. More than anything, I hope that I give others the hope they need to continue.
“All the world's indeed a stage
And we are merely players
Performers and portrayers
Each another's audience
Outside the gilded cage
Cast in this unlikely role
Ill-equipped to act
With insufficient tact
One must put up barriers
To keep oneself intact” - Rush
“I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am” - Jason Mraz